The Days of March

March, the month of Justin's birth. I knew it was going to be a hard one, dreaded it since mid February . But really, every day, every month is hard.

Mar 1 -- it is finally here. What do you think of as each new month starts? What is happening this month?? Yes, March is Justin's birthday! Oooh, March is Justin's birthday.

Mar 3 ~~ My father in law's birthday -- we went to a low key brunch on the 2nd. Birthday celebrations have been so different since he left.

March 14-16 ~~ Spending the weekend with Tiff and Riley in Columbus. The girls and I went up Friday night, Stephanie and Jack came Saturday. It was great to spend some time with them! That Riley is growing up so fast - what a punkin!

March 18 ~~ Looks like I am going to be FT at work starting in April. I am adding to my responsibilities at the Y. I think this is a good move for me, and keeping busy helps me right now.

I got a haircut today too, and I like it. It is shorter, and feels good. I have neglected my hair! Here I am ... I know you have been counting the days until you could see a new picture :)




March 23 - Easter Sunday
Another holiday without Justin. The days just keep coming, with no regard, it seems. I really wish I could have a couple years off from holidays. I would do it, just ignore the day completely, if it weren't for a couple of little girls. Those two keep me going, in many ways. Thank you God, for Abby and Emma. My reason to get up, they won't have it any other way! I thank God for all of my family & friends. Jerry, Carissa -- of course I am very thankful for you both. I love you all more than words can say. I would never mean to exclude you, you are just a little less needy :)

Mar 28 ~~ We are going to Nashville to spend Justin's birthday with Carissa. We will do something special to honor Justin & celebrate him. It is going to be hard, but being together should help. Make it "not just another day". I am really hoping that Tiffany and Riley will come with us. They are needed on this day.

March 31 ~~ My sweet boy came into this world 26 years ago at 8:49 am. He parted this world way too soon. We love and miss you terribly, Justin. Your first angel birthday.

I lost My Child

Hello, Old Friend,
Oh, yes, you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see, at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me…
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say,
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

Just "getting through"

Maybe this is a start, a good thing. But I am tired of feeling like I am just getting through each day. I feel that I am in a rut. I guess that is an understatement. I want to enjoy my life, and I am trying. I do have moments of that. I think in my heart I am waiting to be "okay" to move on. But I will never be okay really. I have to learn to live a new normal, that what I am today maybe is okay?

Since Justin died our life has been a mess. I mean both emotionally & literally. We get by, and things have suffered. Jerry or I neither one have it in us, or care enough now I guess, to take care of things at home. We do what HAS to be done, and no more. I know, that is to be expected and I am not being hard on myself - I know I am doing my best. But I am ready to try to do more. I am so tired all the time, so this might be harder than it sounds. I need to get up early so that mornings aren't so hectic. That does my stress and anxiety no good anyway. I WANT to care more about the condition of our surroundings. Hopefully that is a step.

I am rambling. I know what I mean though :)

Give me courage for the long haul, and courage for each day's journey.

Justin, I miss you and love you, forever.

Should his heart break and the grief pour out, it would flow over the whole earth , it seems, at yet no one sees it. ~~Anton Checkhov

I am having a bad day. A sad day. I miss my son. He should be here today for his wife and daughter! For me.
Life just keeps on going ... not sure that I like it much.

Mornings

Quiet mornings ... I used to love them so much. Now they are the toughest time for me.
Some mornings I have the luxury to not have to rush to get myself and the kids ready for work / school. If they don't wake up early as well then I have some peace and quiet. With the exception of Dougan-the-brat. But these quiet mornings are really hard on me. My mind is always on Justin, and I become sad and emotional. I still enjoy the peace and stillness, but it is just not the same. Nothing in my world is the same. I am angry! Some waste of air POS took my precious son's life. ONE person, still living his life as he wishes. Meanwhile, one beautiful young man is dead, and more people than I could count are grieving. Lives changed forever. My immediate family along with Tiffany and Riley -- every single aspect of our lives forever are altered. Every joy we had before is now tainted. I know, it will get easier. I will enjoy mornings again someday. But damn it! I lost my first born child, AND the joy in nearly everything else in my life. It has left it's mark everywhere I look.

I am trying my best. I am working on trying to savor any happy moments I come by, separate it from the grief. I will be trying for a long time.

Justin, my heart aches with missing you. I love you. These words are so small. But I trust that you know and feel our love for you.

I am grateful for those who reach out to me, and for the opportunities I will have to reach out to others.

Jerry's Birthday

Today is Jer's birthday. He is off work ... On a Saturday! No big plans, but we are having an early dinner with Gordon's, mom and Paul, and hopefully Tiffany and Riley. Going to Marion's (one of Jerry's faves). Mom's birthday was yesterday so this is for her too. Then, Jerry and Abby are going to a Father/Daughter dance for the Brownie troop! That should be fun for them.

He is not having a very "happy" birthday though. It just isn't right with Justin gone, things like this feel wrong. Dumb. Meaningless. He is missing Justin, as we all are.

There will be a picture taken of them together at the dance when they come in.Here are some others though!






Not too sure this is the look for Jerry!