the good stuff ...

The Days of March

2008-03-09T12:39:00.015-04:00

March, the month of Justin's birth. I knew it was going to be a hard one, dreaded it since mid February . But really, every day, every month is hard.

Mar 1 -- it is finally here. What do you think of as each new month starts? What is happening this month?? Yes, March is Justin's birthday! Oooh, March is Justin's birthday.

Mar 3 ~~ My father in law's birthday -- we went to a low key brunch on the 2nd. Birthday celebrations have been so different since he left.

March 14-16 ~~ Spending the weekend with Tiff and Riley in Columbus. The girls and I went up Friday night, Stephanie and Jack came Saturday. It was great to spend some time with them! That Riley is growing up so fast - what a punkin!

March 18 ~~ Looks like I am going to be FT at work starting in April. I am adding to my responsibilities at the Y. I think this is a good move for me, and keeping busy helps me right now.

I got a haircut today too, and I like it. It is shorter, and feels good. I have neglected my hair! Here I am ... I know you have been counting the days until you could see a new picture :)

March 23 - Easter Sunday
Another holiday without Justin. The days just keep coming, with no regard, it seems. I really wish I could have a couple years off from holidays. I would do it, just ignore the day completely, if it weren't for a couple of little girls. Those two keep me going, in many ways. Thank you God, for Abby and Emma. My reason to get up, they won't have it any other way! I thank God for all of my family & friends. Jerry, Carissa -- of course I am very thankful for you both. I love you all more than words can say. I would never mean to exclude you, you are just a little less needy :)

Mar 28 ~~ We are going to Nashville to spend Justin's birthday with Carissa. We will do something special to honor Justin & celebrate him. It is going to be hard, but being together should help. Make it "not just another day". I am really hoping that Tiffany and Riley will come with us. They are needed on this day.

March 31 ~~ My sweet boy came into this world 26 years ago at 8:49 am. He parted this world way too soon. We love and miss you terribly, Justin. Your first angel birthday.

I lost My Child

2008-03-04T19:31:00.001-05:00

Hello, Old Friend,
Oh, yes, you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see, at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me…
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say,
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

Just "getting through"

2008-02-26T07:50:00.005-05:00

Maybe this is a start, a good thing. But I am tired of feeling like I am just getting through each day. I feel that I am in a rut. I guess that is an understatement. I want to enjoy my life, and I am trying. I do have moments of that. I think in my heart I am waiting to be "okay" to move on. But I will never be okay really. I have to learn to live a new normal, that what I am today maybe is okay?

Since Justin died our life has been a mess. I mean both emotionally & literally. We get by, and things have suffered. Jerry or I neither one have it in us, or care enough now I guess, to take care of things at home. We do what HAS to be done, and no more. I know, that is to be expected and I am not being hard on myself - I know I am doing my best. But I am ready to try to do more. I am so tired all the time, so this might be harder than it sounds. I need to get up early so that mornings aren't so hectic. That does my stress and anxiety no good anyway. I WANT to care more about the condition of our surroundings. Hopefully that is a step.

I am rambling. I know what I mean though :)

Give me courage for the long haul, and courage for each day's journey.

Justin, I miss you and love you, forever.

2008-02-14T20:12:00.004-05:00

Should his heart break and the grief pour out, it would flow over the whole earth , it seems, at yet no one sees it. ~~Anton Checkhov

I am having a bad day. A sad day. I miss my son. He should be here today for his wife and daughter! For me.
Life just keeps on going ... not sure that I like it much.

Mornings

2008-02-07T06:54:00.000-05:00

Quiet mornings ... I used to love them so much. Now they are the toughest time for me.
Some mornings I have the luxury to not have to rush to get myself and the kids ready for work / school. If they don't wake up early as well then I have some peace and quiet. With the exception of Dougan-the-brat. But these quiet mornings are really hard on me. My mind is always on Justin, and I become sad and emotional. I still enjoy the peace and stillness, but it is just not the same. Nothing in my world is the same. I am angry! Some waste of air POS took my precious son's life. ONE person, still living his life as he wishes. Meanwhile, one beautiful young man is dead, and more people than I could count are grieving. Lives changed forever. My immediate family along with Tiffany and Riley -- every single aspect of our lives forever are altered. Every joy we had before is now tainted. I know, it will get easier. I will enjoy mornings again someday. But damn it! I lost my first born child, AND the joy in nearly everything else in my life. It has left it's mark everywhere I look.

I am trying my best. I am working on trying to savor any happy moments I come by, separate it from the grief. I will be trying for a long time.

Justin, my heart aches with missing you. I love you. These words are so small. But I trust that you know and feel our love for you.

2008-02-03T19:37:00.000-05:00

I am grateful for those who reach out to me, and for the opportunities I will have to reach out to others.

Jerry's Birthday

2008-01-26T07:39:00.003-05:00

Today is Jer's birthday. He is off work ... On a Saturday! No big plans, but we are having an early dinner with Gordon's, mom and Paul, and hopefully Tiffany and Riley. Going to Marion's (one of Jerry's faves). Mom's birthday was yesterday so this is for her too. Then, Jerry and Abby are going to a Father/Daughter dance for the Brownie troop! That should be fun for them.

He is not having a very "happy" birthday though. It just isn't right with Justin gone, things like this feel wrong. Dumb. Meaningless. He is missing Justin, as we all are.

There will be a picture taken of them together at the dance when they come in.Here are some others though!

Not too sure this is the look for Jerry!

Our "memory wall" at home

2008-01-24T21:19:00.000-05:00

This is not good enough for Justin. I am not sure what would be -- yes I am. Nothing would be good enough, he should not be gone. I should not have to talk to my son this way. I am so glad to have a little bit of him with me at home, I am. But ... it is NOT enough.

Life goes on...

2008-01-20T07:55:00.000-05:00

One of the hardest things to accept for me since Justin died is that the whole world goes on as if nothing happened. How can that be? My life was shattered beyond recognition, in my mind. Yet I can walk in a crowd and no one notices.

It has been 11 weeks and 2 days now since some monster took my son's life. I miss him more than words can say. I know he is gone, forever. But for the most part, it still hits me like a ton of bricks landing on my chest when I see his beautiful face in a picture. I will never see him again. This is forever. He was my first baby, the birth of Justin began the start of my real life. I loved being a mommy. He made it so easy! My only boy -- I will miss him for the rest of my life. The hole in my heart, in my life, will remain.

Nothing happening with the case yet, no arrests. It is starting to really cause me great anxiety. The thought of what is yet to come. It could be harder than what we have already gone through.

I am doing O.K. I am on medication for depression and anxiety. The anti-depressant really helped me tremendously. I have only been on it 2 weeks and the heavy, heavy feeling on my head, shoulders, and heart has decreased a lot. I am better able to function day to day. I should have done it sooner.

I feel disconnected from many people though. I am not the same, I will never be the same. People don't know what to say to me, so for the most part my loss is not mentioned. I am greeted and asked the same questions as anyone else. I have lost contact with some people. I am hurt by the lack of understanding and support of some, and overwhelmed by the love and never-ending support of others. People just don't understand that saying "I am sorry, I am thinking of you" is so much better than acting as if nothing happened.

Jerry and the girls are hanging in there . The little ones are resilient and seem to be fine. Abby has been afraid of things more, worrying about locked doors and us being careful. Also, she has been having stomach aches. Jerry is being strong and supportive. He is grieving too, of course. He tries not to show it. Carissa -- I think she is ok but I worry a lot about her. We talk nearly everyday. I talk to Tiffany frequently too. This has been so hard for her, of course. I also worry about her. We cry together. I wish I could see her and Riley more.

I am going to try to get back to my blogging. I have been working on Justin's site mostly, but I am ready to come back here as well. I think. We'll see how that goes.

SLEEP WELL, MY BOY

2007-11-18T21:46:00.000-05:00

Justin Douglas Miller
3.31.82 - 11.2.07

My firstborn, my beautiful son, my only son was murdered, is gone. Taken from us, so many who love him so much. I am crushed, broken, incomplete. His wife is hurting so bad. His baby girl misses her daddy. His younger sisters miss their big brother. Part of my heart and soul is gone. He will be missed deeply by all of us.

My life for now is on hold, the good stuff is gone.

Heaven on Earth

2007-10-27T22:53:00.000-04:00

The Great Smoky Mountains have to be one among the most beautiful places in the country. We had a wonderful, relaxing time. The color, oh my! I can't get enough of it!
We hiked, ate, relaxed in the hot tub, on big old fashioned log rockers, rode horses through the mountains, hiked some more, took a few motor trails, ate lots more, played cards. Had quality time with quality people! I am sad that it is over, but look forward to the next time. There will be many more of those.

Do you see that ticker ??

2007-10-16T08:07:00.000-04:00

TWO days until we are in the beautiful mountains!
I can hardly wait!

October is almost here!!

2007-09-28T13:11:00.000-04:00

I love October. My very favorite month of my very favorite season.

The crisp, cool mornings and warm afternoons. All the colors that line the streets. Mums. Pumpkins. Better yet, pumpkin pie!! Thanksgiving.

Our wedding anniversary is coming up fast. On October 1st we celebrate 12 years. Hard to believe really, but also I can't imagine a time without Jerry. The 12 years seem to have flown by but I feel as if Jerry and I have been together forever. In a good way :)

Jerry and I are getting so excited for our week in the mountains. Oh my, can hardly wait. In 3 weeks we will be there. Click here to see the cabin we booked!

Here are a couple pics from last years trip to the Smoky Mountains. Beautiful!

Everything is going fine with me and my family. Been busy, but that is okay.
School is great for the girls. Abby joined Brownies and she has her 2nd meeting yesterday. She is enjoying it, and I am happy she is a part of that.
Emma goes three days per week this year and seems to like it just fine! She is such a social butterfly lately. That girl never stops talking! To anyone that will listen!

Dougan the pup is doing okay. He is settling down just the tiniest bit, but still nipping a lot . We have gotten into our swing though and used to him being around. I admit, not so crazy about the dog smell! I try to keep him clean, but I guess a dog smells like a dog! He is not having too many accidents inside anymore, so that is good. I will be happy when we can trust him to let us know he needs to go out. At this point, that is not the case. We just put him out a lot. He is getting big already! Around 15 lbs. We have had him just under 3 wks and I think he has gained 3 lbs. Wonder if that is normal at that age to gain so fast, or are we overfeeding him?

Labor Day Cookout

2007-09-10T23:24:00.000-04:00

It's back to school for Emma!

2007-09-07T13:04:00.000-04:00

Finally! She has been not-so-patiently awaiting her first day back to preschool.
Abby is on her 3rd week back, so Emma has had a good wait. I just dropped her off at 12:30 today. She was dressed and ready at 8:30 am! It was a long morning :)
Here is my big girl!

Looks like we are adding to our family!

2007-09-06T20:04:00.000-04:00

It's a puppy! Justin and Tiffany got a Puggle pup a while ago, and it is a little much for them to take care of with their long hours. Abby has been wanting a puppy forever and we decided together that it would be good for Dougan to come here with us. He was here overnight on Sunday and all day Monday. It was fun. It will be a lot of work we know, but are looking forward to adding Dougan to our family. He will be loved!

Abby's now a 2nd grader!

2007-08-24T20:05:00.000-04:00

School started back for Ab on Wednesday, the 23rd. She is very happy to be back, has been especially sweet & cheerful. And tired :) Her teacher's name this year is Mrs. Harper. One of Abby's favorite pre-school classmates is in her class, so they have reunited after 2 years apart. I am so glad Sofi is in her class as none of the girls from last yr are, not one! How can that be?

Abby's Party

2007-08-20T17:07:00.001-04:00

All but one of the girls from her first grade class came over for the cookout on Monday that I talked about in an earlier post. (7/30/07) They had fun! Here is a little video I made. Ignore the date on the photos though - my camera date somehow got messed up.

Too Fast

2007-07-27T18:25:00.000-04:00

Wow, this summer has flown by. Too fast. All time seems to just pass on by anymore and it is scary. I try not to think about it, it gets to me.

Abby is growing up so much. She is not a little girl anymore, not like I think she should be. Her hair is long, bangs over to the side, looking all beautiful and grown up. She has learned to ride her bike with out the training wheels this summer. She was afraid but did it really fast . I know she is old for that, but it had been a year at least since she rode it at all. She was hooked on her scooter instead. She has been taking swimming lessons since around April and gymnastics since June. She loves gymnastics!
Oh! She is playing summer basketball too, and really likes that! She is a beginner but is doing better all the time and always gives it her all. I am proud of her and all of these sports and activities are helping her confidence.

Emma is of course changing a lot too, but still my baby. She is in the "princess" stage. All things girly, loves all movies relating to Princesses, and must wear a dress every damn day! She curtsies and calls me "My Queen". Gotta love that! I will enjoy it while it lasts. I will be demoted soon enough. She talks like a big kid , and talks a lot! She is also taking swimming lessons and gymnastics. She loves gymnastics and I can see her doing pretty well in time. She is small and light. She has won everyone over at the Y. She is a funny little munchkin! Smart as a whip, and full of it!

We took these pictures using the Photo Booth on the Mac. The girls love L O V E to play with it and take silly pictures! Scary, crazy pictures. I will share some of those another time. Emma and I & Abby - all taken recently.

It has been a decent summer but we haven't had anything exciting going on, no vacations since Spring Break. But that's ok! We are looking forward to our beloved October trip to Gatlinburg. We have already reserved a newly updated cabin that looks awesome by the pictures. It is not as high up as we usually get, but looks super nice and wooded. Private. All the kids are going, and it should be a great time. This happens October 18 and we are staying for a week! I can't wait! It is only about 10 weeks away, it will go by as fast as the past 10 weeks have.

Monday we are having a cookout/ party for Abby's friends from 1st grade. All the girls from the class are coming, except one who is on vacation. Her teacher from last year is coming too! Miss Duggan - and no one else knows she is coming. It should be so fun for the girls, and I know Abby feels special that we are doing this for her. She deserves it. I hope the weather holds out for us.

Jerry and I went to see Sheryl Crow 2 nights ago at the Fraze. It was a great concert and we had a fun night out alone. Something we don't do nearly enough.

I had to go to the DDS today,one of my teeth broke. It was the one that is held together with metal, and the metal that used to be shiny silver (beautiful!) but is now black from using whitener. (The chemicals in the whitener react to the metals, apparently.) So, thank goodness it was that one. I will be getting a crown and it will look much better. Today was the first appointment, next one is in 6 days for the impressions and temp crown. Dental work is so expensive! I am getting a few other spots worked on too at the gum line and that will be nice to have that done too.
I will feel great to get that dark tooth out of there! In this case a broken tooth is a blessing, makes me take care of the problem.

Beautiful Summer Evening...

2007-07-11T20:18:00.000-04:00

This is not my first ever blog entry, but my first one on my new blog. Trying again.
I stink at it really, but I love the idea. I am inspired right now because here I sit on my front porch in perfect 75 degree weather with my Macbook. Relaxing, unwinding, watching people walk by with their ice cream cones from Graeter's. Now that sounds good! But, I am not here to talk about food. The weather has been horribly hot and sticky. Nearly unbearable to me, certainly not nice enough to just sit out and smile.
So...this is heavenly!
I had to throw in the bit about the Mac because it is new, and I am lovin' it. I have never had a notebook, laptop, anything portable. Or wireless. So just the fact that I can blog outside is cool to me! Hoping that since I can take it to bed with me, outside, in the living room, etc etc that I might just keep up!

A few days ago I came back from my very first Scrapbook Retreat in Indiana. The place was called Cornerstone Memories in Tipton and it was N.I.C.E!!
The house is beautiful, the hostess was the best. We were pampered and fed, had everything we needed. We had a blast! I want to go again! NOW! I went with a couple of friends, Veroncia and Amy. Thanks girls for a fun weekend!

Here is a picture of us taken at the lovely house. This retreat was quality, I would feel great recommending anyone to go there. Here is the link :) http://www.cornerstonememories.net/

By the way...anyone out there that might be considering going to Olde Geneva Dairy Scrapbook Retreat in Flat Rock Indiana... Think again! DO NOT GO - do not send any money! If you are reading this and need to know more, e-mail me!